The Mother of Recaps is back for another week. And with an episode title like that, we know it's going to be juicy. Maybe even literally. Who knows what Cersei is capable of at this stage?
We begin this week's adventure in Dragonstone. Just like every other episode this season.
Jon's arrival is heralded by an appropriately broody day. A small band of Dothraki, as well as Tyrion and Missandei wait on the shore to greet him.
The two outcast sons offer each other some well-meaning shade, accompanied by a pair of Bro Smirks.
"The bastard of Winterfell." "The dwarf of Casterley Rock." After a few more exchanges that equate to "we've both seen some shit", Ser Davos and Missandei are introduced.
The Northerners' weapons and boats are whisked away, and the party proceeds towards the castle. Ser Davos attempts some small talk with Missandei that's borderline "what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this," but Missandei isn't keen on anyone who is referred to as the Onion Knight, and moves along quickly.
Since the trek upwards basically takes a week, there's plenty of time for Tyrion to ask after his estranged wife Sansa. He goes to lengths to explain it was an unconsummated marriage and Jon is very "la la la, I don't need to hear this." Fortunately, they also talk about how much she is slaying these days. Missandei continues to look uncomfortable next to Ser Thirstos in the background.
The conversation turns towards how on Earth they both got to the positions they're in now, and how Jon's followers must think he's crazy for going to Dragonstone. Tyrion concurs, citing how going south doesn't usually work out well for the Starks.
And it's here that all of the fans yell, "NOT CAUSE HE'S A BASTARD THOUGH. CAUSE HE'S A TARGARYEN. GET IT!"
Right on cue, one of Dany's dragons performs a cheeky dive on the party for funsies. Everyone but Misaandei and the Dothraki looks freaked out.
Meanwhile, atop the Cliff of Exposition, Melisandre watches the party approach.
Varys materialises out of nowhere to question why she's hiding when she's the one that has been shipping SnowStorm all along who convinced Dany to invite Jon.
She says that her role was to bring Ice and Fire together and that she's done whispering into kings' ears. Varys calls shenanigans, and I'm getting increasingly distracted by how tan he is these days.
Melisandre admits that she didn't part on good terms with Jon or Ser Thirstos due to some mistakes. She fails to mention the small spot of child murder.
She plans to go to Volantis, and Varys offers a veiled threat on how she should probably never return. There isn't enough room in Westeros for all the shade they both throw. But on the contrary, she plans to die here, just like him. Foreshadowing!?
Thirst was had. Fan fiction was written. Now-confirmed incest was ignored.
This is the point in the story where Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow are about to meet for the first time. Our bodies are ready.
Missandei rattles off the various titles and monikers that Dany has collected over the course of the show. Not to be outdone, Ser Thirstos does the same for his king.
Dany refers to Jon as a Lord and Thirstos takes issue. Dany throws some epic historical and etymological branded shade back in his face that essentially equates to, "where's my knee bend?"
Jon follows suit, bringing up how her dad rather enjoyed a Stark BBQ or two. Dany admits that her father was a douchecanoe and apologises for his crimes. She hopes he won't judge her for them.
Invoking history again, she points out the centuries of peace that presided over Westeros when a Targaryens ruled and the Starks were the Wardens of the North.
We're treated to a variation of the same stuff we've heard from Jon before. The white walkers are coming and everyone needs to band together to fight them.
Dany recounts the garbage fires she has survived to get to where she is, as well as the unthinkable she has achieved — bringing dragons back and getting the Dothraki to cross the ocean. Thirstos fires back with Jon's impossible feats, because everyone is special here — making allies with the Wildlings, because a king despite his birth and surviving a knife attack to the heart.
Jon shoots him a "be cool, my dude" look and Davos quickly stops the death talk. Definitely no resurrection here. That must have been another Jon Snow.
The squabbling between the soon-to-be-power-couple continues until Varys sweeps in and whispers in Dany's ear. The Northerners are whisked off for relaxing baths and Jon wonders aloud whether they're prisoners.
As soon as the doors close Dany finds out about what happened to her fleet at the end of last episode. All the important people are either dead or captured.
Cut to Theon being hoisted out of the water by one of the escaped ships. The presumed captain asks what happened to Yara. Theon explains that Euron took her but that he totally tried to save her. For real. Pinky swear.
Over in King's Landing, Euron is riding through the streets, trailing Yara and the remaining Sand Snakes behind his horse. The crowd are loving sick on him and hurling abuse at the women, which is relatively on brand for this town.
Euron drags Yara up to him so he can mock her about Theon and declare how hard he is. You know, normal family stuff.
He proceeds to ride his steed right into the throne room, because why not? He presents Cersei with her gift — Ellaria.
He takes this opportunity to try and get out of the friend zone with Cersei. She says they will definitely get married once the war is over. Definitely. She can't wait.
Jaime and Euron exchange unsubtle unpleasantness as they wave to the people. The latter does ask if Jaime has any advice though... when it comes to getting down with Cersei. Jaime can barely contain his rage. It's great.
Euron takes a bow and swaggers out, Yara and her unsure future follow.
Cersei and her on-point lipstick are holding court with a gagged Ellaria and her only remaining daughter, Tyene. You just know this is going to be brutal.
The queen says she understands the force that drives her. She recounts The Mountain crushing Oberyn's skull that one time. Such happy memories.
She brings up Myrcella's murder and all of us watching twitch in our seats. What is she going to do?
Her attention then turns towards Tyene. She comments on her perfect Dornish beauty and how she must be her mother's favourite.
Cersei brings up the choices people make. And how powerful Ellaria must have felt choosing to kill Myrcella. She wonders if she feels powerful now.
At night she thinks of how she would destroy Ellaria. How The Mountain could crush her skull. Or her daughter's. But that would be too fast.
Cersei lays a pash down on Tyene and her intentions become pretty obvious, even without the accompanying exposition.
She has poisoned Tyene with the same lip concoction that sent Myrcella to her grave. Her plan is to keep Ellaria alive and well so she can watch her daughter not only die, but rot away slowly.
It's so god damn metal that you kind of have to respect it. Seriously, this is more cruel and hardcore than any of the on-screen violence I was conjuring in my mind.
The Mother and daughter are left crying just out of arms reach of each other.
Meanwhile, Cersei has already run off to mount Jaime because revenge is apparently hot. Let's hope she wiped all the poison off first.
The next morning the pair wake up together and Cersei is completely chill with a servant seeing them in flagrante. I'm sure that's not going to backfire on them at some stage at all.
In the next scene Cersei is basically just having chats with her accountant.
The Lannisters are now poor scrubs who need money for war. But the Iron Bank thinks that Euron is a turncoat with ships that aren't dragon-proof.
Cersei makes a pretty great point about how banks love the slave trade, because money and that Dany kinda ruined that for them. Also Dothraki and former slaves don't have credit cards or whatever and Lannisters always pay their debts.
In a bold move, she says that if he stays for a fortnight, he will return to Bravos with a full coffer.
Jon is frustrated that he's essentially a prisoner and that nobody believes him about an army of the dead. Mate, basically everyone you have told has believed you. Calm down.
Tyrion says that its hard for people to wrap their minds around the existence of mythical monsters. How it's easier to confront familiar ones like Cersei.
Jon feels like he can't do anything to help from Dragonstone and wants to leave. He feels like he is making the same mistakes as he father.
Tyrion lays down some wisdom about fathers and children, particularly Dany. He suggests that Jon ask the individuals she has saved what they think of her. After all, she's in the business of protecting people from monsters.
He also suggests that perhaps asking someone to fight an unknown enemy when they don't even know you is a bit much. Maybe if he had something else he could ask for...
Cue a discussion about how Dragonstone is sitting on a pile of the stuff and that Jon wants to mine it to help fight the white walkers.
Tyrion argues that politically it forms a productive relationship that costs them literally nothing. Considering they just lost an entire fleet, it maybe isn't a bad idea to make nice with the North while they focus on Casterley Rock.
At one point he even quotes himself and Dany calls him on it. It's the best.
We leave the pair wondering about what Thirstos meant by the whole heart stabbing thing but decide it's probably nothing.
Later, Dany and Jon watch her dragons flying around outside and shippers yell "KISS!"
They talk about their lost brothers and concede that they have both experienced what people have deemed impossible. And that Cersei shouldn't stay on the Iron Throne. But that they both totally want to rule.
Dany says she will help him mine the dragonglass, but dodges his question on whether she believes him about the white walkers.
Meanwhile, over in Winterfell, Sansa seems ton be the most apt ruler that the North has ever seen.
Battles, feasts and glory are all well and good, but she's getting down to the unsexy business of actually ruling. Admin is important, y'all.
Between making sure they have enough food and warm armour for winter, babe is getting stuff done.
Littlefinger is into it, but warns her about ignoring Cersei because she's dangerous. Sansa is all, "No shit, she murdered my family, bro."
Littlefinger advises her to consider every possibility ever in her mind. To consider everyone both a friend and an enemy. That way, she will be prepared for everything and surprised at nothing. It feels very Infinite Universes.
Sansa gets called away before he can continue because SURPRISE, BRAN IS HERE.
Sansa cry-hugs her little brother as he stares dead pan over her shoulder. It's a touching moment.
Over in the Godswood, Sansa is all about getting the fam back together. But Bran is too busy practicing his creepy seer voice. Also, he needs to tell Jon he's the king.
He reveals himself as the Three Eyed Raven even though Sansa doesn't know what that means. Same.
In true millennial style, he explains how he knows everything, including how dope her wedding dress was. Sansa looks appropriately freaked out and leaves her crippled brother alone in the snow. Classic Sansa.
Back at the Citadel, the Archmaester is examining Ser Jorah's freshly exfoliated skin.
The Maester clearly smells bullshit, and asks Sam to come see him later. Sam and Jorah part as bros and share a meaningful, disease-free handshake. It's nice.
Cut to the Maester chiding Sam for disobeying orders. He could have infected the entire Citadel! But also... good job how did you do it?
Sam's reward is getting to make copies of a bunch of rotting scrolls. Transcribing is the worst. That was way harsh, Maester.
Back in Dragonstone, Dany is considering a personal dragon fire delivery to Euron's fleet. Her advisors shoot this idea down. Mostly because she's too easy to literally shoot down.
She turns her attention to Casterley Rock. We cut to the Unsullied attack, with Tyrion's voice over explaining how impenetrable it is. And how the Lannister soldiers will be ready for them.
However, old mate Tywin was too good to design the sewers, he left that to Tyrion, who in turn included a way to sneak women into the castle.
Despite being outnumbered, the Unsullied win. But Greyworm is suspicious of the victory. Perhaps because it was too easy. Or because the Greyjoys were there burning their ships in the harbour. Yeah, probably that one.
I guess we now know how Cersei plans to repay the Lannister debts. Classy.
Jaime leads his soldiers towards the Tyrell not-so-stronghold as Lady Olenna resigns herself to her fate.
Jaime enters her room and they engage in some small talk about how the Tyrells were always rubbish fighters and how Casterley Rock is pretty meh these days. Dany won't be able to hold it for long.
Olenna wonders if he will execute her with his sword, which used to be Joffreys. She then proceeds to call his dead son a c-bomb. The audience nods along with her.
She proceeds to talk about the zero sleep she lost over the unthinkable things she did to protect her family, because she's awesome. However, she thinks Cersei is a god damn monster and that she'll be the death of him. Jaime thinks people won't care how she built the new world after she does it. But also yes, probably.
They go on to chat about the casual methods Cersei wanted to use to kill Olenna. Beheading in front of the Red Keep. Being flayed alive. The usual.
Instead, he simply pours some poison into a cup, which he assures her won't hurt.
Olenna downs it like a champion and proceeds to describe to Jaime all the gruesome details of what Joffrey went through when he was dying and how it wasn't what she had intended.
Jaime's nostrils flare as the viewers yell "Yass Queen" at their screens. He removes himself from the room and we're left with the image of everyone's favourite nan sitting alone, regal as ever, at her desk.